Lara Stone by Mert and Marcus. Edit by me.

Ok. Ok. So it's not really sweater weather seeing how it's cold as balls outside and you need the resilient fur of a fat squirrel to survive. But hear me out here!

Fashion magazines LOVE shoving sweaters down your throat in September at the first scent of a Pumpkin Spice Latte. But the time you actually want and need said sweater is right freakin' now. The temptation of curling up on a sofa, sipping hot chocolate wrapped in a cashmere crewneck sweater with Netflix streaming sounds more orgasm-inducing now as the winter trudges on than it did back in fall when you could leave your house without fearing hyperthermia.

So in honor of the pursuit of coziness, I rounded up my favorite sweaters below - many are on sale so shop them right this very second before some acne-prone pre-teenage troll finds them - you know how how good those trolls are at finding shit on sale! They always beat you to it ... but not this time! They don't want you to win. I do. Ok, enough with this Khaled bullshit, as uplifting as it may be. Here are sweaters!

CABLE KNIT

From left: Zara red sweater, $30 / Michael Kors tan cashmere sweater, $598 (was $1,195) / Topshop cream sweater, $95 (was $180)

INTARSIA

Coach sweater, $347 (was $695) / Canadian Sweater Company for J. Crew sweater, $400 / Sacai sweater dress, $387 (was $1,290)

STRIPES

Chloé sweater, $717 (was $1,195) / Miu Miu short-sleeve sweater, $$395 (was $790) / J. Crew sweater, $78

Dear Santa, I know I've been a naughty little hussy, but I still think I deserve these 12 lust-worthy bags. At the end of the day, I really am a good person despite evidence proving the contrary. And I know I might have done some skunky stuff this year - flirting with the Papa John's delivery dude for extra dipping sauces - but I redeemed myself by doing God's work, including but not limited to allowing that construction catcaller to pinch my tuchas. So come down my chimney bearing these bags and we'll chat - I'll be wearing my red La Perla.

But reader, if this letter to Santa doesn't do the trick - my sexuality may not work here since he's endlessly devoted to that crusty old Mrs. Clause - perhaps it's time to hunt down a sugar daddy. Because when it comes to me and fashion - where there's a will, there's a way! And there's no shame to my game!

I'm going to take that financial investor dude up on his offer. And in honor of this beautiful union and him footing the bill, I wrote this glorious holiday jingle, which should be sung only by the likes of Céline Dion or Mariah Carey:

1. ON THE FIRST DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY SUGAR DADDY SENT TO ME: AN ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS FENDI.

2. ON THE SECOND DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY SUGAR DADDY SENT TO ME: 2 ANYA HINDMARCHS and an ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS FENDI.

3. ON THE THIRD DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY SUGAR DADDY SENT TO ME: 3 FRINGE BURBERRYS, 2 ANYA HINDMARCHS, AND AN ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS FENDI.

4. ON THE FOURTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY SUGAR DADDY SENT TO ME: 4 TEAL CHLOÉS, 3 FRINGE BURBERRYS, 2 ANYA HINDMARCHS, AND AN ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS FENDI.

5. ON THE FIFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY SUGAR DADDY SENT TO ME: 5 FLORAL GUCCIS, 4 TEAL CHLOÉS, 3 FRINGE BURBERRYS, 2 ANYA HINDMARCHS, AND AN ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS FENDI.

6. ON THE SIXTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY SUGAR DADDY SENT TO ME: 6 EDIE PARKERS, 5 FLORAL GUCCIS, 4 TEAL CHLOÉS, 3 FRINGE BURBERRYS, 2 ANYA HINDMARCHS, AND AN ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS FENDI.

7. ON THE SEVENTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY SUGAR DADDY SENT TO ME: 7 POLAR KATE SPADES, 6 EDIE PARKERS, 5 FLORAL GUCCIS, 4 TEAL CHLOÉS, 3 FRINGE BURBERRYS, 2 ANYA HINDMARCHS, AND AN ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS FENDI.

8. ON THE EIGHTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY SUGAR DADDY SENT TO ME: 8 LEOPARD TORYS, 7 POLAR KATE SPADES, 6 EDIE PARKERS, 5 FLORAL GUCCIS, 4 TEAL CHLOÉS, 3 FRINGE BURBERRYS, 2 ANYA HINDMARCHS, AND AN ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS FENDI.

9. ON THE NINTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY SUGAR DADDY SENT TO ME: 9 MIU MIUS, 8 LEOPARD TORYS, 7 POLAR KATE SPADES, 6 EDIE PARKERS, 5 FLORAL GUCCIS, 4 TEAL CHLOÉS, 3 FRINGE BURBERRYS, 2 ANYA HINDMARCHS, AND AN ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS FENDI.

10. ON THE TENTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY SUGAR DADDY SENT TO ME: 10 VALENTINOS, 9 MIU MIUS, 8 LEOPARD TORYS, 7 POLAR KATE SPADES, 6 EDIE PARKERS, 5 FLORAL GUCCIS, 4 TEAL CHLOÉS, 3 FRINGE BURBERRYS, 2 ANYA HINDMARCHS, AND AN ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS FENDI.

11. ON THE ELEVENTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY SUGAR DADDY SENT TO ME: 11 SAINT LAURENT-YS, 10 VALENTINOS, 9 MIU MIUS, 8 LEOPARD TORYS, 7 POLAR KATE SPADES, 6 EDIE PARKERS, 5 FLORAL GUCCIS, 4 TEAL CHLOÉS, 3 FRINGE BURBERRYS, 2 ANYA HINDMARCHS, AND AN ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS FENDI.

12. ON THE TWELFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY SUGAR DADDY SENT TO ME: 12 PEACHY PRADAS, 11 SAINT LAURENT-YS, 10 VALENTINOS, 9 MIU MIUS, 8 LEOPARD TORYS, 7 POLAR KATE SPADES, 6 EDIE PARKERS, 5 FLORAL GUCCIS, 4 TEAL CHLOÉS, 3 FRINGE BURBERRYS, 2 ANYA HINDMARCHS, AND AN ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS FENDI.

Sweater Weather