Feelin' Fendi

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MONDAY, DECEMBER 28th

Fendi sweater. Fendi bag. Fendi culottes. Fendi pumps.

Whoever created Monday is a sadistic asshole. He pretty much created a day with the sole purpose of making you remember how much your life sucks. And on these moody Mondays where gallons of iced coffee can't even revive you, you'll need a song to do the trick. A playful, anthemic song that makes you groove uncontrollably at your desk and reminds you life is a BEAUTIFUL thang (no, not thing - thang!)

My go-to jam is 'Feelin' Myself.' It's total girl power wrapped in a hard beat that makes you want to do this at work (make sure the boss isn't looking and twerk it out babe!)

So in honor of how much I feel myself and how much I feel Fendi this season, I put together a head-to-toe Fendi look. The fun sweater, the trendy culottes, the perfect magenta Baguette, and sky-high black pumps are the perfect outfit for work (assuming you're not in one of those stuffy corporate jobs), wine night at home with the girl gang, or Sunday brunch.

And to celebrate how much I'm feelin' it, I penned an abridged version of Nicki Minaj's rap verse on 'Feelin Myself.' Rap it out loud to your friends if you dare!

FEELIN' FENDI

I'm feelin' Fendi, I'm feelin' Fendi - I'm feelin' Fen! I'm feelin' Fendi, I'm feelin' Fendi - I'm feelin' Fen! 

I'm with some good girls lookin' back at it, and a good girl in my tax bracket, Got a black card let Saks have it, these Fendi bags is a bad habit. I wear Karl, Karl Lager, my Maybach, black matted. Girl never left and I'm back it, and feelin' Fendi like a crack addict. Floss so hard, back off, cause I'm feelin' myself, jack off. Thinkin' about clothes when I whack off, wax on, wax off. National anthem, culotte, fashion killer and I'm too hot. Lemme get a Fendi sweater with a black pump, 'On the Runway' with my fat rump.

FRINGE AND FLORAL?

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 15th

WHAT TO WEAR TO HOLIDAY PARTIES

It's that time of year again. The one where you drink four too many cocktails and gain seventeen pounds in a week (don't worry - you'll lose it all in the new year, or so your New Years' resolutions promise). It's holiday season again! You already bought mommy those earrings she not-so-subtly hinted at and you're already furiously fielding through gaggles of group texts about New Year's Eve plans.

And while you love Christmas and the promise of an ugly sweater party - don't worry, I'll do a round-up of all the best ugly sweaters really soon! - your company holiday party is this week!

And because you ended up ferociously flirting with that intern followed-by a classless vomit session in the bathroom (you forgot what tequila does to your liver) at last year's holiday party, it's time to redeem yourself and let those SLAY bells ring. Your #goals: impress the boss and shut that minx of a secretary up (you know that secretary - she who hyena-cackles at her own jokes and has a different Forever21 faux-fur dress for each day of the week).

Every girl in the office will be wearing some type of sparkle with some form of cheap sweater so why not opt for a fashion-forward look that might have sprung joyously from the pages of Harper's Bazaar?

A festive fringe jacket (this one is Saint Laurent) coupled with a Hibiscus-print tiered dress (thank you for the fashionz Marc Jacobs!) is the bee's knees. The juxtaposition of fringe and florals makes this look sing with style! Pair with chocolate brown booties and a Christmas-colored bag and you're ready to knock the socks off of that snooty little secretary. Goodbye socks! Farewell Felicia!

THE B@$%! WEARS BALENCIAGA

DECEMBER 9th

If the Devil wears Prada then the bitch wears Balenciaga. Excuse my French but when you invent the most brilliant phrase of all time - OF ALL TIME! - you have to share it with the world dontcha? Well I did and you're very welcome. Actually, to pay me back, you can buy me this coat. It's a Balenciaga beauty - the 80's biker dude collar and splotches of artfully-applied pink spray-paint embroidery take this bouclé jacket from ladies who lunch to bitches who brunch.

In other words, the cocoon shape and tweedy look could have just another coat for Grandma Sadie's collection but in the hands of Alexander Wang (who tragically has dipset from the house of B), this coat is now for Grannie Baddie Winkle. In still more words, the coat is just freakin' cool!

And because you've been wearing that same puffer for the past three years (same here), it's time to invest in a coat that screams with style. You owe this Balenciaga coat to yourself for being so gosh darn beautiful. So what if you have to sacrifice six months of eating? Isn't it worth it in the end!

Anyways, when wearing coats that hit just above the knee like this Balenciaga, do yourself a favor and stick ONLY to sleek, tailored pants. They keep the silhouette looking trim and are office-appropriate for your 9 to 5 grind. Grab a glossy structured bag - M2Malletier are a thing of beauty - and a ankle-strap sandal with a little bit of edge (these Alexander Wang ones pictured are on sale so clickity-click quick!) And voila! You have an outfit that's quicher than quiche.