Christmas with DVF

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FRIDAY, DECEMBER 25th

WHAT TO WEAR FOR CHRISTMAS

I'm obsessed with Diane von Furstenberg. Her words of wisdom, her vision for female empowerment, her beautiful fashions that never cease to take my breath away.

So in honor of the iconic designer, I put together a cheerful and festive Christmas outfit of all DVF goodies (minus the BaubleBar earrings).

If you're spending Christmas with the fam, this DVF dress is conservative enough to keep Granny happy unlike last year when she boisterously shouted how much you resembled a hooker every five minutes. If you're spending tonight with friends, loosen up yah buttons and spread the Christmas cheer to horny middle-aged men who are dying to catch a glimpse of cleavage (Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!)

What's even more amazing is that you don't even need a warm coat tonight - it's 65 degrees! -  so light it up chica! 

MERRY CHRISTMAS GIRLIES!

THE B@$%! WEARS BALENCIAGA

DECEMBER 9th

If the Devil wears Prada then the bitch wears Balenciaga. Excuse my French but when you invent the most brilliant phrase of all time - OF ALL TIME! - you have to share it with the world dontcha? Well I did and you're very welcome. Actually, to pay me back, you can buy me this coat. It's a Balenciaga beauty - the 80's biker dude collar and splotches of artfully-applied pink spray-paint embroidery take this bouclé jacket from ladies who lunch to bitches who brunch.

In other words, the cocoon shape and tweedy look could have just another coat for Grandma Sadie's collection but in the hands of Alexander Wang (who tragically has dipset from the house of B), this coat is now for Grannie Baddie Winkle. In still more words, the coat is just freakin' cool!

And because you've been wearing that same puffer for the past three years (same here), it's time to invest in a coat that screams with style. You owe this Balenciaga coat to yourself for being so gosh darn beautiful. So what if you have to sacrifice six months of eating? Isn't it worth it in the end!

Anyways, when wearing coats that hit just above the knee like this Balenciaga, do yourself a favor and stick ONLY to sleek, tailored pants. They keep the silhouette looking trim and are office-appropriate for your 9 to 5 grind. Grab a glossy structured bag - M2Malletier are a thing of beauty - and a ankle-strap sandal with a little bit of edge (these Alexander Wang ones pictured are on sale so clickity-click quick!) And voila! You have an outfit that's quicher than quiche. 

VICTORIA'S SECRET VAMP

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 8th

It's T-minus 30 minutes until the best night of the year for horny teenage boys and faux-fur-vest-wearing girls who shout 'goals' excessively in public commences. Yup, the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show 2015 is here!

And while many chicks will be watching the show while binge-eating pizza and crying that their bodies will never be as tanned or toned, I think this is the time to remind yourself that you too are a Victoria's Secret model. At the end of the day, you gotta remind yourself you're a sexy, heart-breaking, boner-inducing beast. You may as well be on the runway strutting side-by-side with Candice.

So in honor of the delusional thought that you too were created in a top-secret Swedish laboratory like the rest of the Angels, it's time to vamp it up tonight. Pair a sex kitten mini-dress with studded heels and a knuckleduster clutch. This dress is Anthony Vaccarello and judging by the tantalizing hemlines and sexually-stimulating cutouts, it's understandable that the Giseles and the Gigis of the world can't get enough of him.

So it's now time to remember you are Behati! You are Gigi! You are Adriana! And if you can't give yourself a pat on the back for being drop dead gorgeous, perhaps it's time to reach for that eighth slice of pepperoni pizza (diet starts tomorrow!)