New Year's Is Tomorrow!

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 30th

Aritzia dress. Edie Parker clutch. Christian Louboutin pumps. MAC lipstick.

Ah, it's that time of year again where you vow to never touch another donut or Cosmopolitan ever again! New Year's is upon us and with it comes a batch of resolutions you subconsciously know you can't keep but will at least try to!

One of your resolutions is to be more fashionable and that is one you actually can keep because now you have ME in your life - I tell you what to wear and how to wear it. So you really have no excuse this time around.

To start tomorrow off on the right sartorial note and set the tone for a stylish 2016, I'm suggesting you go out with a BANG! BOOM! KAPOW! Wear a minimalist slip dress (this one is a luxe velvet style from Aritzia and comes in at under $100!) with a glossy patent leather pump (Christian Louboutin's black studded version is shoe #goals).

Since the outfit is neutral and understated so you're going to need a sharp red lip and jazzy clutch (I <3 Edie Parker's monochromatic stripe clutch!) to give the look some pop.

If you absolutely abhor this look, don't worry - I HAVE FIVE LAST-MINUTE OUTFIT IDEAS for the big night out that are easy-peezy lemon-squeezy to throw together.

VICTORIA'S SECRET VAMP

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 8th

It's T-minus 30 minutes until the best night of the year for horny teenage boys and faux-fur-vest-wearing girls who shout 'goals' excessively in public commences. Yup, the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show 2015 is here!

And while many chicks will be watching the show while binge-eating pizza and crying that their bodies will never be as tanned or toned, I think this is the time to remind yourself that you too are a Victoria's Secret model. At the end of the day, you gotta remind yourself you're a sexy, heart-breaking, boner-inducing beast. You may as well be on the runway strutting side-by-side with Candice.

So in honor of the delusional thought that you too were created in a top-secret Swedish laboratory like the rest of the Angels, it's time to vamp it up tonight. Pair a sex kitten mini-dress with studded heels and a knuckleduster clutch. This dress is Anthony Vaccarello and judging by the tantalizing hemlines and sexually-stimulating cutouts, it's understandable that the Giseles and the Gigis of the world can't get enough of him.

So it's now time to remember you are Behati! You are Gigi! You are Adriana! And if you can't give yourself a pat on the back for being drop dead gorgeous, perhaps it's time to reach for that eighth slice of pepperoni pizza (diet starts tomorrow!)