December 23, 2015

12 Days of Christmas, 12 Bags to Buy Me

by Matthew T. Murray in Accessories, Holiday Style, The Year in Fashion 2015

Dear Santa, I know I've been a naughty little hussy, but I still think I deserve these 12 lust-worthy bags. At the end of the day, I really am a good person despite evidence proving the contrary. And I know I might have done some skunky stuff this year - flirting with the Papa John's delivery dude for extra dipping sauces - but I redeemed myself by doing God's work, including but not limited to allowing that construction catcaller to pinch my tuchas. So come down my chimney bearing these bags and we'll chat - I'll be wearing my red La Perla.

But reader, if this letter to Santa doesn't do the trick - my sexuality may not work here since he's endlessly devoted to that crusty old Mrs. Clause - perhaps it's time to hunt down a sugar daddy. Because when it comes to me and fashion - where there's a will, there's a way! And there's no shame to my game!

I'm going to take that financial investor dude up on his offer. And in honor of this beautiful union and him footing the bill, I wrote this glorious holiday jingle, which should be sung only by the likes of Céline Dion or Mariah Carey:

1. ON THE FIRST DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY SUGAR DADDY SENT TO ME: AN ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS FENDI.

2. ON THE SECOND DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY SUGAR DADDY SENT TO ME: 2 ANYA HINDMARCHS and an ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS FENDI.

3. ON THE THIRD DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY SUGAR DADDY SENT TO ME: 3 FRINGE BURBERRYS, 2 ANYA HINDMARCHS, AND AN ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS FENDI.

4. ON THE FOURTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY SUGAR DADDY SENT TO ME: 4 TEAL CHLOÉS, 3 FRINGE BURBERRYS, 2 ANYA HINDMARCHS, AND AN ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS FENDI.

5. ON THE FIFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY SUGAR DADDY SENT TO ME: 5 FLORAL GUCCIS, 4 TEAL CHLOÉS, 3 FRINGE BURBERRYS, 2 ANYA HINDMARCHS, AND AN ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS FENDI.

6. ON THE SIXTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY SUGAR DADDY SENT TO ME: 6 EDIE PARKERS, 5 FLORAL GUCCIS, 4 TEAL CHLOÉS, 3 FRINGE BURBERRYS, 2 ANYA HINDMARCHS, AND AN ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS FENDI.

7. ON THE SEVENTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY SUGAR DADDY SENT TO ME: 7 POLAR KATE SPADES, 6 EDIE PARKERS, 5 FLORAL GUCCIS, 4 TEAL CHLOÉS, 3 FRINGE BURBERRYS, 2 ANYA HINDMARCHS, AND AN ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS FENDI.

8. ON THE EIGHTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY SUGAR DADDY SENT TO ME: 8 LEOPARD TORYS, 7 POLAR KATE SPADES, 6 EDIE PARKERS, 5 FLORAL GUCCIS, 4 TEAL CHLOÉS, 3 FRINGE BURBERRYS, 2 ANYA HINDMARCHS, AND AN ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS FENDI.

9. ON THE NINTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY SUGAR DADDY SENT TO ME: 9 MIU MIUS, 8 LEOPARD TORYS, 7 POLAR KATE SPADES, 6 EDIE PARKERS, 5 FLORAL GUCCIS, 4 TEAL CHLOÉS, 3 FRINGE BURBERRYS, 2 ANYA HINDMARCHS, AND AN ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS FENDI.

10. ON THE TENTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY SUGAR DADDY SENT TO ME: 10 VALENTINOS, 9 MIU MIUS, 8 LEOPARD TORYS, 7 POLAR KATE SPADES, 6 EDIE PARKERS, 5 FLORAL GUCCIS, 4 TEAL CHLOÉS, 3 FRINGE BURBERRYS, 2 ANYA HINDMARCHS, AND AN ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS FENDI.

11. ON THE ELEVENTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY SUGAR DADDY SENT TO ME: 11 SAINT LAURENT-YS, 10 VALENTINOS, 9 MIU MIUS, 8 LEOPARD TORYS, 7 POLAR KATE SPADES, 6 EDIE PARKERS, 5 FLORAL GUCCIS, 4 TEAL CHLOÉS, 3 FRINGE BURBERRYS, 2 ANYA HINDMARCHS, AND AN ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS FENDI.

12. ON THE TWELFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY SUGAR DADDY SENT TO ME: 12 PEACHY PRADAS, 11 SAINT LAURENT-YS, 10 VALENTINOS, 9 MIU MIUS, 8 LEOPARD TORYS, 7 POLAR KATE SPADES, 6 EDIE PARKERS, 5 FLORAL GUCCIS, 4 TEAL CHLOÉS, 3 FRINGE BURBERRYS, 2 ANYA HINDMARCHS, AND AN ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS FENDI.

December 17, 2015

The 15 Sartorial Scores of 2015

by Matthew T. Murray in The Year in Fashion 2015, Holiday Style, $hop

2015 was quite the year for the gays and gaggles of girls who live and die by the Bible - the Bible being Vogue, of course, where Karl Lagerfeld is Jesus and Miuccia Prada is the Virgin Mary.

There were countless moments that had me screaming YAASSSS - Rihanna showing an entire nation of females that they are not worthy of her presence at the Met Gala, the drumroll announcement of Balmain x H&M, Gigi Hadid serving body at Victoria's Secret, Cookie Lyons' outfits on Empire that gave my life purpose.

But alas, it was the standout sartorial phenomenons that thrilled me most. The covetable Chanel slingbacks. The Chewbacca Gucci loafers. The Muppets-meets-Lagerfeld Fendi bags.

There was a lot to drool about, especially when the never-ending street style slideshows seemed to showcase all the aforementioned 'IT' items.

The fashion girls certainly got the memo and dressed to impress (or is it dress to depress considering the harsh unavoidable reality that the fluffy Fendi bag mentioned prior costs more than your rent). But ahhh, a girl can dream.

Here are the 15 sartorial scores of 2015 that had us all daydreaming about a world where money grows on trees.

1. THIS FENDI BAG THAT TWEETY BIRD DIED ON. MAY SHE REST IN ETERNAL PEACE.

2. THE GUCCI JACKET STOLEN OFF THE BACK OF NEIL ARMSTRONG WHEN HE LANDED ON THE MOON

3. THE PAULA CADEMARTORI BAG THAT INDUCES AN EPILEPTIC SEIZURE IN THE GOOD WAY

4. THE CHANEL SLINGBACK THAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF

5. THE ROCK & ROLLIN' JACKET FROM THE BALMAIN X H&M COLLAB

6. THE GUCCI LOAFERS STOLEN RIGHT OUT OF CHEWBACCA'S CLOSET

7. THE MIU MIU SHADES YOU WILL WEAR WHEN A POLICE OFFICER COMES KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR TO TELL YOU YOUR RICH HUSBAND HAS DIED OF MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES

8. THE KIINI BIKINI THAT WON THE HEARTS OF INSTAGRAM'S BADDEST BABES

9. THE SELF-PORTRAIT DRESS WHERE A BOUQUET OF ROSES SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTED AND FOUND REFUGE ON A STRAPPY DRESS

10. THE SHRIMPS FAUX-FUR JACKET THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN'S TWIN SISTER WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS

11. THE ANYA HINDMARCH BAG THAT FELL OFF A FLOAT AT THE GAY PRIDE PARADE

12. THE ALEXA CHUNG X AG SKIRT THAT GIVES ME LOLITA VIBES - HEYYY VLADIMIR NABOKOV!

13. THE CHLOÉ BAG THAT SERENA VAN DER WOODSEN WOULD BE SPOTTED BUYING AT BARNEYS NEW YORK. XOXO GOSSIP GIRL.

14. THE ADIDAS STAN SMITH EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHO STAN SMITH IS AND GIVE NO SHITS ABOUT HIS LEGACY

15. THIS WHISTLES FAUX-FUR COAT YOU ALSO STOLE FROM CHEWBACCA'S CLOSET. SORRY CHEW CHEW!

December 16, 2015

SLINGBACKING AROUND TOWN

by Matthew T. Murray in One Shoe Five Ways, The Year in Fashion 2015, Shoes, $hop

Fashion might be a fickle fucker but classics never go out of style. This season, Karl Lagerfeld revamped, refreshed, revitalized, and *you can insert another re- word here at your discretion, dear reader* the dual-toned Chanel slingback born in 1957 and popularized by grannies round the world.

As always, Lagerfeld has given the peacocks of fashion's flock another reason to spend their cold hard cash - 800 dollars to be exact. The fashionistas attending the spring fashion weeks across Earth seemed to get the top-secret memo that this indeed would be the 'IT' shoe that shall be worn with everything - white lace gowns, boyfriend jeans, crocodile skirts (check out the slideshow of all the SLINGBACKERS as I will henceforth endearingly call them). Some of the many Slingbackers slinging around town in their slingy slingbacks are pictured below (photos via Instagram, Man Repeller, Song of Style, and Tumblr).

Amy Astley and friend chanel Elle Australia.jpg

Chanel slingback - Cara Delevigne insta.jpg

And admittedly, I'm a little late on this story - this shoe has already been unanimously declared 'IT' by the powers that be months ago and its praises were sung by writers at Vogue and Elle already. But when dealing with a classic and looking back on FASHION'S BIGGEST MOMENTS THIS YEAR, I guess you can never really be late on chit-chatting about how great it is, amiright!?

This shoe is the type of shoe you can wear to that dreadful Monday morning meeting when the bags under your eyes are more eye-catching than the Céline bag swinging under your arm. It also works for a date with that halfway decent dude you scooped off Tinder - pair it with a sky-high mini-dress and leather jacket. Or perhaps you can rock the slingback at an upscale brunch with the gurlz when the idea of a heel is mentally disturbing after a night of binge-drinking and a flat just won't do. So pretty much, in conclusion, the Chanel slingback is BAE.

This slingback works with EVERYTHING. So here are 5 ways to wear it EVERYWHERE, coupled with ridiculous scenarios to make you LOL.

1. FOR BRUNCH WITH YOUR FRENEMIES YOU LOVINGLY REFER TO AS YOUR SQUAD BUT ONLY CHILL WITH BECAUSE THEY MAKE YOU FEEL AS IF YOU ARE BLAIR WALDORF IN THE NEVER-ENDING SEASON OF GOSSIP GIRL THAT IS YOUR LIFE

http://www.net-a-porter.com/us/en/product/609508?cm_mmc=LinkshareUS-_-J84DHJLQkR4-_-Custom-_-LinkBuilder&siteID=J84DHJLQkR4-2voXEwKET2RW8BKAScJQXw

2. WHEN YOU WANT TO CHANNEL YOUR INNER LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE GIRL BUT CAN'T FORGET THE 200 THOUSAND PEOPLE FOLLOWING YOU ON INSTAGRAM, EXPECTING BAD BITCHERY

3. WHEN YOU CAN'T DECIDE WHETHER TO QUIT YOUR DAY JOB TO BECOME A FULL-TIME ASTROLOGER-PSYCHIC HYBRID PENSIVELY PERCHED ON A STREET CORNER, OOOOR SIGN UP FOR THE STEM CELL CLONING EXPERIMENT IN KOREA THAT MAY RESULT IN BECOMING A CARBON COPY OF CATHERINE BABA